alone time

relax

breakfast gym sauna bath shower

bullshit

all  a way to pass the time, a way to feel better about being alone, to delve fully into the narcissistic self, but I am not feeling narcissistic today, i need to feed of the love of someone else to feel the love of me and when i do learn to love myself will be the day that i bore myself with

breakfast gym sauna bath shower

and then i will look forward to this and my life will have become an endless mess of nothingness, meaningless and of course, lots and lots of self-love.

Let me Take you Down

cuz we’re going to strawberry fields forever……..

Confusion

confusion reigns when constance does not.  decisions sadly dominate when there is everything steady in a monotonous droll.  when things are good the serious gets pushed back and my life just seems to be one flaky dream.  when things are bad you are the one that comes to mind and then you are what makes me fine.  but then again my flaky side just tends to rise, my feelings meddle and i spread on thin to everyone.  the sex is fine the hugs are great the boys are fine and i’m ok.  and you’re still you and i’m still me, but just a tiny layer of me because i spread to thin, begin to hope and then reality begins to come.  oh fuck. what have i done.

to get over you.  not a choice?  to be free.  not a choice?  too fuck it up?  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  i want it all, i wish my time was endless and all over the place.  i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish that i was fine.  i wish i was ok.  these are not second thoughts, they are much more than that they’re being on the other side of danger knowing whats to come and how i have no desire to stop it whatsoever.  the wave of craziness is starting in my life.

a vacation.  i refuse two boys thats good, no second thoughts on that.  but then old flames pop up to say hello and shatter me, confuse me and just make me want to get with them and fuck it up so i can always run back to you and if i do it right it will be well timed and you will be there to mend my empty heart.  forever.  i

i really don’t like the fact that

everything is ephemeral

enjoy yourself, take only what you need from it

maybe the reason i don’t like to throw anything away is because everything is a fragment of a moment. cleanin gup is always a giant wave of memories. So many messy memories everywhere and they make me sad, melodramatic, crave for the moment. the ephemeral moment. there are so few constant moments in my life. most moments are bits and pieces and fragments that do not really last that long but it makes me very very sad either way. how friends come and go. dates come and go. weeks come and go. and friends you had for some time will be there and then no longer and then they will return again. and kol, the stupid constant that you are you are the only constant in my life and i love you for that so much. i don’t think i could let go of that.

paper planes and shiz

summer is a magical, carefree beatiful time full of amazing songs, amazing moments, fabulous concerts, frolicking around in great frocks, being jobless, carefree under the sunshine, above the water, surrounded by free flowing beer, free flowing music, free flowing love and enough endorphins to keep you smiling for ages. Man, what a beautiful beatiful time summer is and if I had pictures other than mental ones to record this year they would be a passtige of music festivals, zoos, wandering around with my fellow jobless friends through museums, galleries, cafe’s restaurants and dozens and dozens of parks while the rest of the city lives under the dim AC. Summer also involved taking lots of pictures, getting paid for it and getting lots of free drinks in the process. It involved being exposed to the top forty pop/rock charts for the first time in years thanks to said bars, taking pictures at them and getting paid for it. It involved random jobs, half-hearted attempts at more jobs, lots of visitors and lots of happiness all around. It was two or so blissful months of everyone being constantly up for a fun time, a concert or some other free gathering. It involved ridiculous amounts of free music, free drinks, free movies and being outdoors. It involved going to the river, walking to the seaport, taking boats, going to roof top parties, roof top raves, skipping home at sunrise with a big smile on my face, driving around to the borroughs at four am to go to a party only to decide, on the way back to go on yet another day trip. Going to the beach, the f-in amazing beach and swimming in it, hiding lots and lots of beers from the cops, sunning in the roof, sunning in the beach, sunning in the god damn appalachian mountains. Climbing the appalachian, walking for eight hours straight and surviving of peanut butter, whisky a bratwurst and a harmonica. How could i forget the roof? Endless, endless hangouts on the roof. BBQ’s, pre-parties, after parties, dinner parties, intimate parties, shared moments, debauchery, good food, crawling down the roof, driving to fort tilden, or even better, biking to fort tilden. being kind of broke but not enough and not needing to purchase absolutely anything except maybe brunch. open bar brunch followed by central park summer stage attempts. wandering around mc carren park and around park slope and battery park. sonic youth. the breeders. mgmt. fela kuti tribute. skatalites and the rain. that 80s band in the seaport. the circus. radiohead. all points west. german DJs from bar 13. bunker. long island city. rooftop film festival. kings of leon. santogold. diplo. brazilian girls. barely attempting to register to vote there. asf reunion. the bronx zoo. brownies. the public library power. the met. style tv. de la guarda. fuerza bruta. its too short, too magical and always to wonderful. must be the heat but there is something magical about NY in the summer that made me never wanna leave or even take a vacation for longer than a few days. and all to the background of paper planes.

paper planes and shiz

summer is a magical, carefree beatiful time full of amazing songs, amazing moments, fabulous concerts, frolicking around in great frocks, being jobless, carefree under the sunshine, above the water, surrounded by free flowing beer, free flowing music, free flowing love and enough endorphins to keep you smiling for ages. Man, what a beautiful beatiful time summer is and if I had pictures other than mental ones to record this year they would be a passtige of music festivals, zoos, wandering around with my fellow jobless friends through museums, galleries, cafe’s restaurants and dozens and dozens of parks while the rest of the city lives under the dim AC. Summer also involved taking lots of pictures, getting paid for it and getting lots of free drinks in the process. It involved being exposed to the top forty pop/rock charts for the first time in years thanks to said bars, taking pictures at them and getting paid for it. It involved random jobs, half-hearted attempts at more jobs, lots of visitors and lots of happiness all around. It was two or so blissful months of everyone being constantly up for a fun time, a concert or some other free gathering. It involved ridiculous amounts of free music, free drinks, free movies and being outdoors. It involved going to the river, walking to the seaport, taking boats, going to roof top parties, roof top raves, skipping home at sunrise with a big smile on my face, driving around to the borroughs at four am to go to a party only to decide, on the way back to go on yet another day trip. Going to the beach, the f-in amazing beach and swimming in it, hiding lots and lots of beers from the cops, sunning in the roof, sunning in the beach, sunning in the god damn appalachian mountains. Climbing the appalachian, walking for eight hours straight and surviving of peanut butter, whisky a bratwurst and a harmonica. How could i forget the roof? Endless, endless hangouts on the roof. BBQ’s, pre-parties, after parties, dinner parties, intimate parties, shared moments, debauchery, good food, crawling down the roof, driving to fort tilden, or even better, biking to fort tilden. being kind of broke but not enough and not needing to purchase absolutely anything except maybe brunch. open bar brunch followed by central park summer stage attempts. wandering around mc carren park and around park slope and battery park. sonic youth. the breeders. mgmt. fela kuti tribute. skatalites and the rain. that 80s band in the seaport. the circus. radiohead. all points west. german DJs from bar 13. bunker. long island city. rooftop film festival. kings of leon. santogold. diplo. brazilian girls. barely attempting to register to vote there. asf reunion. the bronx zoo. brownies. the public library power. the met. style tv. de la guarda. fuerza bruta. its too short, too magical and always to wonderful. must be the heat but there is something magical about NY in the summer that made me never wanna leave or even take a vacation for longer than a few days. and all to the background of paper planes.

some kind of goal

I want to accomplish so many things that i probably cannot, and be good and be fit and even that seems hard.  i want to eat fish, cook pasta, be healthy, drink water, excell, follow up, write emails, be motivated and what not. I want to be kind, be lovable, be brave, be forward, and all that fun stuff which really does not seem so hard and it might just be that it’s all a mental tree that i somehow have to prune and then get that out and keep it out all the time.  i want to be able to waste more money without feeling guilty, to pay my bills on time, to do all those really easy tasks that life requieres with only a very sliver ounce of power except from your brain that is occupied in other activities that keep sit racing in a semi sluggishly stimulated manner.  i want my brain to be actively pushing the good and the motivated things and have this magical power where i am able to convert allof the boring dreadful tasks into unimaganeable goals that are so exciting that i want to surpass them, beat them, whip them down and essentially own them.

i am not sure i want to sit down and drink champagne and interact with all the pople who own the world and i am not sure if i seem to appear like i own the world and everyobody else seems to appear like they own the world as well.  i dont think it matters because i don’t know if you know that i know that i don’t own the world or whatever metaphor world stood for.

all i can say is that i will eventually get to the task at hand even if it involves smoking weed, drinking water, eating a piece of chicken, cutting a slice of cheese, browsing through porn, reading the same old news stories, browsing through pretty pictures of celebrities or even organizing my room which is actually one of those tasks that change situation depending on the other task, but as i was saying i will eventually get to the task of hand at hand of completing this sentence and the other task at hand even if it means smoking weed or doing one of those other little things to either help it along, or change directions or lose time from it and get back to it with a fresh perspective such as, i guess somehow browsing the newspaper or your phone or one of those things that actually don’t help it along at all, but since the rambling of the sentence was itself a metaphor for browsing around and smoking weed and a sip of water and touching yourself i can now say that i distracted myself and this fresh or different or completely weighted down and jaded perspective is here and i can say that i will complete the sentence now with a resolve.

flying

i want to go far away and let my heart be the guide.  I don’t know why you are afraid of gettig hurt and afraid of breaking hearts.  i am terrified of that and i know that it can happen but such are the risks we take to live more fully, live inspredly and say we did it.  doesn’t it feel better to jump than to slowly walk down?  doesn’t it feel better to not know where the bottom is, free fall and feel the wind on you?  when you walk you feel no wind you see everything as it happens and cotnrol everything much like in graph paper but if you get out of the notebook it is that amazing rush, amazing feeling, alll of the f-in serotonin rushing rthrough your head and making you feel like no drug can ever make you feel,.  it is a terryfing feeling but it is also the feeling that creates wonderful words, beautiful painitings, writing, creativity, runs in the ice cold weather, and emotions that range way beyond the convention.  Artists bask in tears to paint their canvas.  otmusicians too, and bask in love and storng strong emotions.  accountants can’t handle that, stockbrokers will crumble.  I am noteither, but i do love the spirit, the free falling, the life.    

 

and i am sorry i cannot think in a more practical manner.  i try, i try, but my heart craves the rush of serotonin once again.  same rush created by beautiful music, beautiful reading and wondrous adventures.  same voice that makes me restless and so happy about random things.  and i am willing to jump rightn now.

a public excitement that’s silent

is what i got to share right now, its the kind of thing that you look forward to so much in such an honest way that you’re afraid to go public with it.  the kind of thing that’s real and the kind of things that’s true coz you recognize the million things that are most certainly not.  but what’s true and what is is the fact that i do want to move far away want to move there for you want to move there for me, want to move for the good, want to move for the honest, want to be with you so much that it is a public secret.  and i can’t stay away but i know if i do that will mean that i failed but it also will mean that i wasn’t so brave as to face the conclusions and fight till the end.  and that means that i’m passive, that i dont trust myself that i leave it to fate or to something that’s not very strong at all but quite pracitcal minded with 1800 numbers rather than astrological signs.

but one thing i can promise is i’ll fight till the end, fantasize till the end, gat sad till the end, never give up till the end not call it the war but not even a battle but a small but majore losing game that will have consequences that might affect my life permanently but i am willing to face because of lack of conviction in the fight till tje end until we battle again in a few months or something of that sort because i believe that the meantime won’t matter i will keep loving you going through my rollercoaster of emotions that by now i have come to recognize as a symbol that twitches and sometimes flat out lies and makes me change my feelings but keep you as a constant and the thing that sometimes makes me do you as the center of the universe but other people realize that that is what i think before i can even admit it to myself like happened tonight and even yesterday to be honest with you since my feelings so often fly away from me but one thing for sure i keep you in my thoughts and approach you with a maturity that i am afraid of losing but i am alos afraid that it is so damn sincere that i dont want to accep tit really just like i don’t really want to accep tte fact that the cat might have shit on my bed or that sometimes i kinda suck and that sometimes my feelings suck and that sometimes i love you so fucking much but i know that the right thing to do is to move to fuckin tokyo and be with you and after that i have no idea i am aback to the begiinningb and i would b elying if i said we will see about the future in those nexte three months because truth is when the present is at hand and if i speak of the future truthhs i need the future present to be at hand as well but i do know that we will see speaks of a future in the present that i cannot predict but i might be lying to myself again like i tend to do and we all tend to do and that is why we have people that know us better than we know ourselves or maybe they are just there to gloat at their vicotires and make us realize that we have no idea who we are and there, long long ago some one already has discovered everything we have to offer and how we will twitch every moment and you already know you will be the onte to penetrate that spot and to make all my innermost dirtiest fantasies probably come true and i will probably do crazy thigns too  because you always surprise me when you look at me stern and i know that you have been places that you entered way beyond smiles and good vibes but throught that hidden bad ass that you have inside and it makes me hot because honestly you make me hot as well, hotter than anyone ever doesa and sometimes i try to make them the hotter ones cos you’re so far away and my heart reallly aches but i’m too young and too volatile to be having acy breaky haearts so instead i just meand it and shift it and sometimes i do it so good that my brain already is reacting before my heart and even my fucking vagina are, but i gues that’s life and i guess that is how things are when you love someone tht is so far away and so close at the same time that the line between love and not here and the elements that are not even parallel with each other but regard feeling sand sex and moving far away and dropping everything and shwdding some tears and irrational fears and defense mechanism and your best pussy haircut and your dirtiest tricks an your angriest self and your bitchiest self and your most decadent fantasies but that person  is far but when you think you can bring that person near then by all means, try.