is what i got to share right now, its the kind of thing that you look forward to so much in such an honest way that you’re afraid to go public with it. the kind of thing that’s real and the kind of things that’s true coz you recognize the million things that are most certainly not. but what’s true and what is is the fact that i do want to move far away want to move there for you want to move there for me, want to move for the good, want to move for the honest, want to be with you so much that it is a public secret. and i can’t stay away but i know if i do that will mean that i failed but it also will mean that i wasn’t so brave as to face the conclusions and fight till the end. and that means that i’m passive, that i dont trust myself that i leave it to fate or to something that’s not very strong at all but quite pracitcal minded with 1800 numbers rather than astrological signs.
but one thing i can promise is i’ll fight till the end, fantasize till the end, gat sad till the end, never give up till the end not call it the war but not even a battle but a small but majore losing game that will have consequences that might affect my life permanently but i am willing to face because of lack of conviction in the fight till tje end until we battle again in a few months or something of that sort because i believe that the meantime won’t matter i will keep loving you going through my rollercoaster of emotions that by now i have come to recognize as a symbol that twitches and sometimes flat out lies and makes me change my feelings but keep you as a constant and the thing that sometimes makes me do you as the center of the universe but other people realize that that is what i think before i can even admit it to myself like happened tonight and even yesterday to be honest with you since my feelings so often fly away from me but one thing for sure i keep you in my thoughts and approach you with a maturity that i am afraid of losing but i am alos afraid that it is so damn sincere that i dont want to accep tit really just like i don’t really want to accep tte fact that the cat might have shit on my bed or that sometimes i kinda suck and that sometimes my feelings suck and that sometimes i love you so fucking much but i know that the right thing to do is to move to fuckin tokyo and be with you and after that i have no idea i am aback to the begiinningb and i would b elying if i said we will see about the future in those nexte three months because truth is when the present is at hand and if i speak of the future truthhs i need the future present to be at hand as well but i do know that we will see speaks of a future in the present that i cannot predict but i might be lying to myself again like i tend to do and we all tend to do and that is why we have people that know us better than we know ourselves or maybe they are just there to gloat at their vicotires and make us realize that we have no idea who we are and there, long long ago some one already has discovered everything we have to offer and how we will twitch every moment and you already know you will be the onte to penetrate that spot and to make all my innermost dirtiest fantasies probably come true and i will probably do crazy thigns too because you always surprise me when you look at me stern and i know that you have been places that you entered way beyond smiles and good vibes but throught that hidden bad ass that you have inside and it makes me hot because honestly you make me hot as well, hotter than anyone ever doesa and sometimes i try to make them the hotter ones cos you’re so far away and my heart reallly aches but i’m too young and too volatile to be having acy breaky haearts so instead i just meand it and shift it and sometimes i do it so good that my brain already is reacting before my heart and even my fucking vagina are, but i gues that’s life and i guess that is how things are when you love someone tht is so far away and so close at the same time that the line between love and not here and the elements that are not even parallel with each other but regard feeling sand sex and moving far away and dropping everything and shwdding some tears and irrational fears and defense mechanism and your best pussy haircut and your dirtiest tricks an your angriest self and your bitchiest self and your most decadent fantasies but that person is far but when you think you can bring that person near then by all means, try.
